The Hater's Guide to NBA Power Rankings
With the NBA season coming around the corner this October, there are a multitude of power rankings, free agency recaps, and panic that the Warriors have all but locked up the NBA championship for the next decade. So, with that all said here is the Hater's Guide to our own version of NBA power rankings. No team is safe from verbal evisceration. We're going from first to worst:
1. Golden State Warriors: The Warriors continued to ruin the NBA season by adding Demarcus Cousins to a line-up that includes a collection of MVPs, future hall-of-famers, and all stars. Competitive balance is just an illusion, so long as this team (as currently constructed), continues to exist.
2. Houston Rockets: So let me get this straight. A western conference power on the cusp of dethroning the Warriors (twice) let go of an invaluable three-and-d wing in Trevor Ariza, and added a Carmelo Anthony (because I don't know what his role is either). The Rockets should start a lecture circuit in self-sabotage after their offseason.
3. Boston Celtics: The team that destroyed both the Brooklyn Nets franchise and Isaiah Thomas' career is back with a vengeance. They've got two all stars returning from injury, and no LeBron to stand in their way. If the Celtics don't win the east this year we'll know karma is real.
4. Toronto Raptors: I'm pretty sure the Raptors have begun construction on the Kawhi Leonard altar, because all they can do is pray that he stays. They traded away Toronto loyalist DeMar DeRozan for a guy who has made it clear he wants to play in the anti-Toronto (Los Angeles). Good luck with that Raptors.
5. Philadelphia 76ers: Trust the process. The process of losing to the Celtics in the playoffs again.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder: They did it! They got Paul George to resign, and unloaded Carmelo's terrible contract. They also made some nice under-the-radar signings like Nerlens Noel. With a core of Paul George and Russell Westbrook no one can beat them. Except the Warriors, Rockets, and Lakers.
7. LA Lakers: In their continued tradition of acquiring other teams' best players, the Lakers managed to sign LeBron James this summer. This is good for the Lakers and for LeBron. LeBron guarantees the Lakers a rise from their recent mediocrity, and the Lakers can guarantee LeBron an earlier vacation, because the roster they've constructed around him is good enough to lose in the second round to the Warriors.
8. Utah Jazz: A team that relied on Donovan Mitchell to do the vast majority of work on offense, helped him out in the offseason by drafting Grayson Allen? Okay. So I guess the plan is Donovan Mitchell get better, because the Jazz are just running it back.
9. San Antonio Spurs: In their continued efforts to not be bad, the Spurs traded franchise cornerstone Kawhi Leonard, for NBA player DeMar DeRozan. So its fair to say the Spurs won't suck this year. That's about all there is to say though as the NBA's least interesting team returns to what it was last year. Barely relevant.
10. Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets should be fun to watch this year. They've got depth at every position and no transcendent talent at any position (no matter what Isaiah Thomas thinks). So buckle up and get ready for that first round playoff loss Nuggets fans.
11. Minnesota Timberwolves: All of the chatter around the T-Wolves has been internal strife, Karl-Anthony Towns' unhappiness, Wiggins' frustration, and Jimmy Butler's pending free agency. That's a good start to any season right? Start prepping for a return to mediocrity T-Wolves fans.
12. New Orleans Pelicans: Who needs DeMarcus Cousins and Rajon Rondo? Not the Pelicans apparently, because they've got Elfrid Payton and Julius Randle. That should guarantee you at least the 10th seed in the western conference. The Pelicans roster is now just as silly as their mascot.
13. Portland Trailblazers: After getting trounced in the first round of last season's playoffs the Blazers essentially stood pat. But, no worries the western conference got easier. Oh wait...
14. Milwaukee Bucks: They finally got Giannis a real coach in Mike Budenholzer, so maybe the Bucks will actually run some plays this year. The Greek freak's ceiling seems limitless, but the Bucks ceiling isn't since Kris Middleton is easily their next best player. And when Middleton is your next best guy you aren't going to be one of the true eastern conference powers.
15. Indiana Pacers: Nap town got a lot more exciting when prodigal son Victor Oladipo returned last season. However, there aren't any more of those walking through the door, so Indiana is about where they've always been. A good team for the eastern conference. Unimpressed.
16. Washington Wizards: The NBA's most dysfunctional team just signed Dwight Howard. Let me repeat that. A team with existing chemistry issues signed Dwight Howard. Evidently the Wizards solution to putting out a fire is pouring vodka on it.
17. Miami Heat: The Heat's search for relevancy continues. And they still haven't found it. The Heat are a lessen that hard work and perseverance are no match for upper echelon talent (which the Heat don't have).
18. Memphis Grizzlies: Marc Gasol and Mike Conley. Thats all that needs to be discussed when talking about the Grizzlies. If one of them goes down, season over, and they go back to perennial NBA punching bag.
19. Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic had better be the answer because if Dallas is going to make a playoff push (which is what they have indicated) he's going to need to be amazing. Because Dirk is about to join the AARP.
20. LA Clippers: Looks like the Clippers are returning to their comfort zone, as the NBA's longest running joke.
21. Charlotte Hornets: Tony Parker is here. Thats weird. What else is there to say about the Hornets other than the fact that Michael Jordan continues his streak as the worst player turned owner ever. Mostly by default but not entirely.
22. Detroit Pistons: Why? What did Detroit do to deserve this?
23. Cleveland Cavaliers: We're about to find out how good Kevin Love is. My guess: not great.
24. Chicago Bulls: Is it 1995? No? Then who cares.
25. Brooklyn Nets: Try naming players on the Brooklyn Nets roster. That should tell you where this franchise is right now.
26. Phoenix Suns: I'm actually a little excited for the Suns. They get to continue to build around their young core of Devin Booker and uh...Josh Jackson? Maybe?
27. New York Knicks: Has Madison Square Garden burned down yet? No. Oh well maybe this is the year the Knicks aren't a total travesty. Smart money is on unmitigated disaster.
28. Orlando Magic: They're the Magic. Nothing else needs to be said.
29. Sacramento Kings: This is going to be bad, I mean bad is underselling it. We just don't know how bad yet.
30. Atlanta Hawks: New GM Travis Schlenk has talked about building a version of the Warriors in Atlanta. What he failed to mention is that his version of the Warriors is going to be way, way worse.
1. Golden State Warriors: The Warriors continued to ruin the NBA season by adding Demarcus Cousins to a line-up that includes a collection of MVPs, future hall-of-famers, and all stars. Competitive balance is just an illusion, so long as this team (as currently constructed), continues to exist.
2. Houston Rockets: So let me get this straight. A western conference power on the cusp of dethroning the Warriors (twice) let go of an invaluable three-and-d wing in Trevor Ariza, and added a Carmelo Anthony (because I don't know what his role is either). The Rockets should start a lecture circuit in self-sabotage after their offseason.
3. Boston Celtics: The team that destroyed both the Brooklyn Nets franchise and Isaiah Thomas' career is back with a vengeance. They've got two all stars returning from injury, and no LeBron to stand in their way. If the Celtics don't win the east this year we'll know karma is real.
4. Toronto Raptors: I'm pretty sure the Raptors have begun construction on the Kawhi Leonard altar, because all they can do is pray that he stays. They traded away Toronto loyalist DeMar DeRozan for a guy who has made it clear he wants to play in the anti-Toronto (Los Angeles). Good luck with that Raptors.
5. Philadelphia 76ers: Trust the process. The process of losing to the Celtics in the playoffs again.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder: They did it! They got Paul George to resign, and unloaded Carmelo's terrible contract. They also made some nice under-the-radar signings like Nerlens Noel. With a core of Paul George and Russell Westbrook no one can beat them. Except the Warriors, Rockets, and Lakers.
7. LA Lakers: In their continued tradition of acquiring other teams' best players, the Lakers managed to sign LeBron James this summer. This is good for the Lakers and for LeBron. LeBron guarantees the Lakers a rise from their recent mediocrity, and the Lakers can guarantee LeBron an earlier vacation, because the roster they've constructed around him is good enough to lose in the second round to the Warriors.
8. Utah Jazz: A team that relied on Donovan Mitchell to do the vast majority of work on offense, helped him out in the offseason by drafting Grayson Allen? Okay. So I guess the plan is Donovan Mitchell get better, because the Jazz are just running it back.
9. San Antonio Spurs: In their continued efforts to not be bad, the Spurs traded franchise cornerstone Kawhi Leonard, for NBA player DeMar DeRozan. So its fair to say the Spurs won't suck this year. That's about all there is to say though as the NBA's least interesting team returns to what it was last year. Barely relevant.
10. Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets should be fun to watch this year. They've got depth at every position and no transcendent talent at any position (no matter what Isaiah Thomas thinks). So buckle up and get ready for that first round playoff loss Nuggets fans.
11. Minnesota Timberwolves: All of the chatter around the T-Wolves has been internal strife, Karl-Anthony Towns' unhappiness, Wiggins' frustration, and Jimmy Butler's pending free agency. That's a good start to any season right? Start prepping for a return to mediocrity T-Wolves fans.
12. New Orleans Pelicans: Who needs DeMarcus Cousins and Rajon Rondo? Not the Pelicans apparently, because they've got Elfrid Payton and Julius Randle. That should guarantee you at least the 10th seed in the western conference. The Pelicans roster is now just as silly as their mascot.
13. Portland Trailblazers: After getting trounced in the first round of last season's playoffs the Blazers essentially stood pat. But, no worries the western conference got easier. Oh wait...
14. Milwaukee Bucks: They finally got Giannis a real coach in Mike Budenholzer, so maybe the Bucks will actually run some plays this year. The Greek freak's ceiling seems limitless, but the Bucks ceiling isn't since Kris Middleton is easily their next best player. And when Middleton is your next best guy you aren't going to be one of the true eastern conference powers.
15. Indiana Pacers: Nap town got a lot more exciting when prodigal son Victor Oladipo returned last season. However, there aren't any more of those walking through the door, so Indiana is about where they've always been. A good team for the eastern conference. Unimpressed. 16. Washington Wizards: The NBA's most dysfunctional team just signed Dwight Howard. Let me repeat that. A team with existing chemistry issues signed Dwight Howard. Evidently the Wizards solution to putting out a fire is pouring vodka on it.
17. Miami Heat: The Heat's search for relevancy continues. And they still haven't found it. The Heat are a lessen that hard work and perseverance are no match for upper echelon talent (which the Heat don't have).
18. Memphis Grizzlies: Marc Gasol and Mike Conley. Thats all that needs to be discussed when talking about the Grizzlies. If one of them goes down, season over, and they go back to perennial NBA punching bag.
19. Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic had better be the answer because if Dallas is going to make a playoff push (which is what they have indicated) he's going to need to be amazing. Because Dirk is about to join the AARP.
20. LA Clippers: Looks like the Clippers are returning to their comfort zone, as the NBA's longest running joke.
21. Charlotte Hornets: Tony Parker is here. Thats weird. What else is there to say about the Hornets other than the fact that Michael Jordan continues his streak as the worst player turned owner ever. Mostly by default but not entirely.
22. Detroit Pistons: Why? What did Detroit do to deserve this?
23. Cleveland Cavaliers: We're about to find out how good Kevin Love is. My guess: not great.
24. Chicago Bulls: Is it 1995? No? Then who cares.
25. Brooklyn Nets: Try naming players on the Brooklyn Nets roster. That should tell you where this franchise is right now.
26. Phoenix Suns: I'm actually a little excited for the Suns. They get to continue to build around their young core of Devin Booker and uh...Josh Jackson? Maybe?
27. New York Knicks: Has Madison Square Garden burned down yet? No. Oh well maybe this is the year the Knicks aren't a total travesty. Smart money is on unmitigated disaster.
28. Orlando Magic: They're the Magic. Nothing else needs to be said. 
29. Sacramento Kings: This is going to be bad, I mean bad is underselling it. We just don't know how bad yet.
30. Atlanta Hawks: New GM Travis Schlenk has talked about building a version of the Warriors in Atlanta. What he failed to mention is that his version of the Warriors is going to be way, way worse.
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